Famous And Funny Mark Twain Quotes About Life And Love


Looking for Funny Mark Twain Quotes? Samuel Langhorne Clemens chooses his pen name to be Mark Twain.

Mark Twain was a great American novelist, lecturer, and philosopher.  He wrote many outstanding books. One of his most famous book was The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.  Mark Twain was a man of words and well known for his witty and comical remarks.

Here I’ve collected some of the most famous funny Mark Twain Quotes in different categories such as life, politics, love, travel, and education from a variety of sources to keep you inspired and motivated



Funny Mark Twain Quotes:



  • A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.


  • It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.


  • All generalizations are false, including this one.


  • Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.


  • Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.


  • Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.


  • If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.


  • Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


  • The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.



  • Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.


  • We have the best government that money can buy.



  • The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.


  • Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.


  • If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.


  • Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to.


  • To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.


  • The finest clothing made is a person’s own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.



  • My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.


  • I make it a rule never to smoke while I’m sleeping.


  • A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.


  • The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.


  • Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.


  • The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.


  • When in doubt tell the truth.


Read More: Famous And Funny Winston Churchill Quotes To Inspire You



Famous Funny Mark Twain Quotes


  • ‘Classic.’ A book which people praise and don’t read.


  • Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.



  • A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.


  • Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.


  • The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.


  • Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.



  • All generalizations are false, including this one.


  • If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.


  • I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.


  • Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.


  • I never smoke to excess – that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.


  • Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.


  •  The lack of money is the root of all evil.


  • It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.



  • In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.


  •  When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.



Funny Mark Twain Quotes About Life




  • To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.


  • The secret of getting ahead is getting started.  Mark Twain


  • Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.   Mark Twain


  • Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. – Mark Twain


  • You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.   Mark Twain


  • The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.


  • A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.  Mark Twain


  • Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.


  • Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.



  • I can live for two months on a good compliment.


  • The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.


  • Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably And never regret ANYTHING That makes you smile.


Read More: Famous William Shakespeare Quotes About Love And Life



Funny Mark Twain Quotes About Love



  • Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.


  • You can’t reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.


  • When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.


  • Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics. It just comes-none knows whence-and cannot explain itself.


  • Love is a madness; if thwarted it develops fast.


  • Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.


  • Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.


  • Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.


  • The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.


  • If you want love and abundance in your life, give it away.


Funny Mark Twain Quotes About Politics



  • Politicians are like diapers, they need to be changed often, and for the same reasons.


  • ‘If Voting Made a Difference, They Wouldn’t Let Us Do It’


  • I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.


  • We have the best Congress money can buy.


  • There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.


  • Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.


  • Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.



Mark Twain Quotes On Education:



  • I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.


  • Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.


  • It is noble to teach oneself, but still, nobler to teach others–and less trouble.


  • All schools, all colleges, have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal valuable knowledge. The theological knowledge which they conceal cannot justly be regarded as less valuable than that which they reveal. That is, when a man is buying a basket of strawberries it can profit him to know that the bottom half of it is rotten.


  • Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It’s like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won’t fatten the dog.


  • In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made school boards.


  • Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.


  • Many public-school children seem to know only two dates–1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don’t know what happened on either occasion.


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